Raising Children. Parenting is arguably the most demanding yet rewarding job any individual can undertake. It’s a continuous learning process where seemingly minor oversights or missteps can have profound and unexpected consequences down the line.
Every parent yearns to raise their child into a responsible, well-adjusted, and thriving member of society. This aspiration often leads us to employ various techniques and draw upon our existing knowledge base.
However, even with the best intentions, parents sometimes make mistakes that can inadvertently produce the opposite effect of what they hoped for their child.
This discussion won’t offer conventional, run-of-the-mill parenting advice. Instead, we’ll delve into some less popular but highly effective approaches, especially if your goal is to shape your child’s attitude toward life as an adult.
These are personal reflections and insights, and you are welcome to disregard them if they don’t resonate with your parenting philosophy.
Raising Children, common Child-Rearing Mistakes and How to Avoid Them.
Let’s explore some prevalent parenting approaches that, while seemingly benign or even well-intentioned, can lead to unintended negative outcomes.
The Pitfall of Unconditional Generosity.
Common Approach: You typically teach children to always be generous and share their toys at the playground.
Potential Reverse Effect: While admirable, this approach can inadvertently lead to a child who, in the future, struggles with financial literacy and personal accumulation.
They might give everything away, be unable to save, or struggle with holding onto their own resources because they’ve internalized the idea of being “generous” to a fault. They may become susceptible to manipulation or exploitation by others who are not as selfless.
Better Approach: Instead, teach your child the concept of reciprocal exchange and conditional sharing. Initiate conversations like, “I’ll let you play with my car if you let me play with your ball.” This fosters an understanding of mutually beneficial interactions.
Your child learns to care for others while also protecting their own interests.
Another option is to teach sharing with clear conditions: “You can play with this toy for 15 minutes, but you must return it in the same condition you received it.”
This instills a future mindset where they understand the importance of lending with an expectation of return or equivalent value, akin to borrowing with interest in adult life, which ensures the preservation of one’s own “capital.”
When it comes to giving things away permanently, teach them to share what they have in abundance or what is truly surplus to their needs. This aligns with the essence of philanthropy and charity – giving from a place of plenty.
Emphasize that such an act is a gift, not a loan, and there’s no expectation of return. This distinction helps them understand the difference between transactional sharing and selfless giving.
Addressing Anger and Boundaries.
Common Approach: When your child gets angry, you might typically say, “You can’t do that,” “You mustn’t shout,” or “You can’t be angry at your mom.”
Potential Reverse Effect: This can have a detrimental effect on your child’s future well-being. By suppressing their anger, they may become vulnerable to negative influences from bad company, scammers, or other aggressors.
They might struggle to defend themselves because they haven’t learned how to assert boundaries. Ultimately, they may grow up feeling insecure and unable to stand up for themselves. The ability to feel and express anger appropriately, and to say “no,” serves as a vital form of self-protection against various troubles.
Better Approach: Allow them to feel and express anger, but guide them on how to do so constructively. Teach them to say “no” and to respect personal boundaries. For example, don’t take their belongings without their permission, especially items they cherish. You shouldn’t always view a child’s anger negatively; sometimes, it can be a valuable tool in their development of self-awareness and self-preservation.
Help them identify the emotion and then discuss appropriate ways to express it without causing harm to themselves or others. This teaches them emotional intelligence and self-regulation.
The Illusion of Apologies Without Action.
Common Approach: You teach your child that apologizing is a panacea. Children often observe parents apologizing to each other for forgetting to do something or for not doing it at all.
Potential Reverse Effect: The child may conclude that they don’t actually need to fulfill their obligations; they just need to apologize. An apology can become an empty gesture, an illusion that merely saying “sorry” changes something for the better.
People may do something unpleasant to another, apologize, and seemingly, the incident is over. However, the underlying problem persists and repeats, leading to a cycle of apologies without real change.
Better Approach: Teach your child to rectify the situation rather than relying on empty apologies. For instance, if they didn’t learn a poem yesterday, encourage them to say, “I’m sorry, Mom, I didn’t learn the poem yesterday, but today I’m ready to recite two!”
This teaches them that it’s okay to make mistakes, but the crucial step is to then take action to correct the situation. This helps them understand that they can still be good people even with their imperfections, by demonstrating accountability through their actions.
Fostering Obedience vs. Independent Thinking.
Common Approach: You teach your child to be obedient with phrases like, “Do as I say. I know better.” Potential Reverse Effect: This can stifle creative thinking. The child may grow up living strictly by instructions, unable to think outside the box.
Anything that is subject to directives eventually becomes automated, making it harder for the child to find their own life’s calling. They may struggle to defend their own opinions and live their lives according to what others expect, rather than what they truly desire.
While they might excel as a good executor, they are unlikely to become strong leaders.
Better Approach: Of course, this doesn’t mean letting everything run wild. Instead, empower your child by giving them choices. Ask, “Do you choose this or that?”
Actively seek their opinion: “What would you prefer? What will you do to achieve what you want?” You can also give your child a leadership role with simple tasks, such as, “Will you be responsible for helping Mom with our picnic this weekend?”
Support their ideas: “That’s a great idea! Go for it!” It’s valuable to raise children not with directives, but with questions that stimulate their analytical and creative minds. This encourages them to think critically, problem-solve, and develop their own sense of agency.
Embracing Emotions: The Right to Cry.
Common Approach: You forbid your child from crying, perhaps saying, “Don’t cry,” or “Big boys/girls don’t cry.” The child concludes that deep internal hurt cannot be expressed through tears. Tears often flow when a child experiences deep emotional pain or hurt. The child then concludes, “My parents don’t understand me.”
Potential Reverse Effect.
This can lead to the child blocking off not only the feeling of hurt but also, inadvertently, the capacity for love.
The pain of hurt and the capacity for love are often intrinsically linked; hence the saying, “From hate to love is just one step.” If a child can experience the pain of hurt and cry, they are also capable of deep love.
Consider men who were constantly told as children that “boys don’t cry.” You might notice an inscrutable expression on their faces, making it difficult to discern their true feelings. Such men may rarely tell their mothers, “I love you,” or their wives, “I love you.”
This emotional suppression can lead to a lifetime of difficulty in connecting with and expressing deep emotions.
Better Approach: Allow your child to cry. Validate their feelings and teach them that it’s okay to express sadness, frustration, and hurt. Create a safe space where they feel understood and supported, not judged for their emotions.
This fosters emotional intelligence and allows them to maintain a healthy connection to their feelings, including love.
The Freedom to Express Joy.
Common Approach: You inadvertently suppress your child’s joy with reprimands like, “Don’t run!” “Don’t jump!” “Don’t whine!” “Calm down!”
Potential Reverse Effect: The child may internalize the belief that they cannot truly be happy because their joyful expressions are constantly restricted. They may become like their parents – overly serious and tense.
As adults, to find joy and relaxation, they might turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as alcohol, because they haven’t learned healthier ways to express and experience happiness.
Better Approach: Support your child’s capacity for joy and laugh with them. Allow them to express their happiness through dancing, singing, playing, and laughing, and actively participate in these joyful activities with them.
Encourage their spontaneity and exuberance. This teaches them healthy ways to experience and express happiness, fostering a lifelong appreciation for joy and a sense of well-being.
Understanding and Responding to Child Behavior.
Raising children is not a momentary process; it’s a complex and continuous journey. If you are genuinely invested in this process and desire your child to develop harmoniously, you must strive to avoid potentially simplistic and commonly accepted parenting methods.
The Role of Pets in Child-Rearing and the “Underwater Rocks”.
Having a pet at home can greatly enhance a child’s development, fostering a sense of responsibility and empathy. This situation can teach children to care for animals and instill a sense of accountability.
However, not all parents know how to react if a child suddenly begins to treat a pet differently than they were taught, or if this topic has never been addressed.
Child Cruelty Towards Animals: How to React?
Every child is unique, as are the motivations behind their actions. To react appropriately to a child’s behavior, you must try to understand what is motivating them. Often, a toddler, wanting to show how much they love a kitten, might squeeze it in such a tight hug that it becomes frightening for the kitten’s life.
Similarly, a child might pull off a butterfly’s wings not to hurt it, but out of curiosity, to see what it will do now, how it will fly. Children often don’t understand the difference between a puppy and a doll; they are driven by curiosity and spontaneity.
How to React to Inappropriate Behavior with Pets:
It’s believed that a toddler cannot draw conclusions or understand an appeal to their conscience before the age of three.
Therefore, you must express your dissatisfaction as briefly as possible. After an overly enthusiastic display of affection towards a kitten, for example, do not allow the toddler to touch the kitten for several hours.
Of course, it’s crucial to model appropriate behavior with animals, precisely demonstrating how to hold, touch, and play with a pet gently.
A Warning Sign:
If, after this, the toddler continues to torment harmless living creatures, you should be cautious. Often, this can be a form of displacement, meaning the redirection of actions from an inaccessible object to an accessible one.
This occurs if there are constant arguments in the family, or if parents frequently yell at the child when they dislike the child’s behavior. An angry child might initially break branches, pluck flowers, or tear grass.
If parents leave such actions unchecked, then the turn will come for innocent puppies and kittens, simply because they cannot defend themselves.
How to React if the Behavior Persists:
Talk to your child and explain that dogs and butterflies are alive and feel pain. In simple terms, tell them that by pulling off a butterfly’s wings, it won’t be able to fly, get food, and will die. Emphasize the consequences of their actions in a way they can understand.
The “I Can Do Anything!” Syndrome.
When a child grows up in an atmosphere of complete permissiveness, it often leads to aggressive behavior. Psychologically, it is comforting for a child to have clear rules, expectations, and supervision regarding their adherence.
Of course, I’m not referring to situations where prohibitions are used merely to demonstrate parental authority. A parenting model is needed where the child is expected to adhere to clear rules of conduct.
It’s important to immediately stop the child’s bad behavior and clearly explain that it is forbidden to harm animals, break bushes, or generally offend those who cannot defend themselves.
Shame and Aggression.
Aggression as the flip side of repentance is not uncommon. If a toddler understands that they have done something shameful or that their actions have caused trouble, they experience feelings of guilt or shame.
Unable to express it, they unconsciously begin to defend themselves. As you know, the best way to defend oneself is to attack, especially those who cannot defend themselves.
How to React:
The most challenging aspect for parents in this situation is distinguishing between the action itself (e.g., tormenting a cat) and the feeling (hurt or shame) that led to such an outcome.
Be sure to tell your child that you dislike their behavior, admonishing them precisely because they hurt the animal, not because they are angry. Focus on the action and its impact rather than labeling the child or their emotions negatively.
Welcoming a New Family Member.
When a new baby arrives in the family, the older child inevitably experiences feelings of confusion, or even loss. Previously, they were the sole focus, and all of Mom’s and Dad’s love belonged only to them.
But now the situation has drastically changed, and a large part of that love (or so it seems to the child) belongs to the constantly crying baby.
This can lead to a natural and common feeling of sibling jealousy. While it usually passes with time, initially, the child may express it through aggressive actions, perhaps directed towards a family pet.
How to React:
Don’t let the situation fester. Try to spend as much time as possible with the older child. Introduce them to the new family member and admire the newborn’s first smile together.
It’s crucial to explain that your care and attention are sufficient for everyone, and the baby’s arrival in the family will in no way diminish your infinite love for the older child. Reassure them of their continued importance and unique place in the family.
What Psychologists Recommend.
Even the slightest display of cruelty cannot be ignored. The child must be stopped, their wrongdoing explained, and the mistake corrected. Allow the child to cuddle and comfort the animal, helping them to make amends.
A good way to deal with childhood aggression is to change the child’s attitude towards the “victim.” To do this, try role-playing. For example, let a toy dog protect a doll. Any scenario where animals are on the “good side” is possible.
If you have pets at home, actively involve your child in their care. They should know that the kitten or hamster needs their care. By the way, this will also help boost the child’s self-esteem.
Remember, there are no trivial matters in child-rearing!
The Complex Question of Child Punishment.
Let’s agree that this is a complex and problematic issue for every parent. To punish or not to punish, and how? You need to be knowledgeable and informed to avoid mistakes. Unfortunately, mistakes cannot always be avoided.
If they are not corrected, then the relationship with the growing child can take a very negative turn.
Child Punishment: Let’s Talk Seriously.
There are many opinions on this issue, and sometimes they are very contradictory. This section will discuss the acceptable forms and circumstances of child punishment.
Child Punishment: Is It Even Necessary?
I strongly advise against punishing children for minor infractions. More precisely, until the age of two, any form of punishment is generally undesirable.
I believe this applies to all types of punishment. So, what should you do if a toddler “fights” or throws toys? You can use psychological influence, for example, covering your face with your hands or making a sad grimace as if you’re crying.
AND NOTHING MORE!
Some children at this age exhibit hyperactivity. Some are just starting to walk. Under no circumstances should toddlers be spanked, even lightly.
The toddler needs to understand that adults protect them from unnecessary objects or erroneous actions.
Child Punishment: Age Crises.
The period of three to four years of age is considered a crisis period. This is when a child’s character begins to emerge. During this period, you should not punish your child.
However, if they have committed an inappropriate act, it’s better to discuss such behavior and draw a conclusion.
Talk about why they did it, and genuinely explain how it saddened Mom or Dad. Clarify that it’s better not to do that again. This approach focuses on teaching and understanding rather than immediate retribution.
Child Punishment, Acceptable Forms.
It’s time to consider the acceptable forms of pedagogical punishment:
• Ignoring the action or behavior: This is permissible if, apart from parental annoyance, there is no danger to the child. Only in cases of threatening behavior can you allow yourself to raise your voice. If it’s a “minor life issue,” you can either ignore it or engage in an explanatory conversation.
• An explanatory conversation as punishment: This requires communicating in a calm tone. Do it with patience, otherwise your instruction may become an example for the child, and they might even raise their voice against you.
• Natural or predictable consequences: This is when a child was warned about a specific outcome by an adult, and after disobedience, the predicted consequence occurred. For example, if a child jumps into a deep puddle and gets their boots wet, the natural consequence is that the walk is cut short. Of course, this should be accompanied by an explanation.
• Symbolic punishment: This can be a restriction of space, such as standing in a corner or sitting on a chair for a designated period. The purpose of this punishment is not to humiliate the child, but to make them reflect on their actions. At the same time, Mom or Dad must not become a “bogeyman” whom the child is afraid to even look at, let alone talk to. In such cases, the child, even if they wanted to, would not be able to apologize or fully understand why they are being punished.
Try, from an early age, to foster an understanding in your child that you are their true advisor, who has the right to suggest, prohibit, or allow. Emphasize to your child that any situation can be resolved through conversation.
Be sure to discuss your own life experiences and negative aspects that can be avoided.
REMEMBER, you must forgive!
Based on these foundations, the child will learn not only rules of behavior but also rules of upbringing from childhood with the help of their parents. They will then have to apply these in practice with their own children.
Child punishment is a double-edged sword that should never be “flirted with,” lest an unexpected result occurs.
Child Punishment and Upbringing: The Grandmother Factor.
Scientists have studied many families on this issue across regions in Japan, Gambia, Germany, Canada, Ethiopia, and England.
Analyzing a vast amount of data, they found that the correct upbringing of boys was more effective if their paternal grandmother participated in their upbringing, rather than their maternal grandmother.
It turns out that genetic kinship is directly linked to the “survival” rate of grandchildren later in life. With girls, it’s the opposite. Whether to accept or reject the ideas in this article is up to you, but they are based on the statements of practicing doctors.
Of course, many parents may disagree with what is said in this article, as they may be influenced by their own parents’ experiences, who were proponents of more radical punishments. However, trust that a peaceful method of upbringing is much better and will not turn the child against you.
Raising a Son: Guiding Principles for Fathers.
Raising a son is a profound journey, and shaping him into a true man and responsible family father from an early age requires conscious effort. This section offers specific advice for fathers raising their sons.
Raising a Son, Where to Start?
1. Be a Role Model: Do everything you can for your son to have a father worth emulating. This is extremely important, I would even say it’s the main prerequisite at the beginning of a son’s upbringing. Your actions speak louder than words.
2. Protect His Authority: Safeguard your son’s authority, even if he’s small, in front of other children and “big” men. Do not undermine his self-esteem, which is just beginning to form, with disparaging remarks or harsh exclamations. This builds his confidence and sense of self-worth.
3. Encourage Positive Connections: In every possible way, facilitate his interaction with genuinely honorable men, those who truly respect themselves. These mentors can provide valuable insights and examples.
4. Treat Him with Respect: Talk to your young son as you would an adult, respectfully, based on the understanding that you have a complete human being in front of you, just a small one. This fosters mutual respect.
5. Take His Questions Seriously: Do not answer your son’s questions dismissively. Take them seriously and answer them as thoroughly as possible, understanding that for boys, there are no naive or premature questions. They are all based on the acquisition of knowledge.
6. Listen Actively, Avoid Excessive Talkativeness: Listen carefully to your son, but do not encourage excessive talkativeness. This is not becoming of a man with a masculine character; emphasize thoughtful communication over constant chatter.
7. Avoid Over-Protection: Do not babble unnecessarily. You don’t need to over-protect your son; he will find the right answer himself. Allow him space to explore and learn independently.
8. Assign Responsibilities: Each year, entrust him with as many self-service activities as possible for the good of the family. This builds responsibility and competence.
9. Support Initiative: Do not interrupt “business initiative,” even if it threatens some harm (e.g., trading stamps with children or something similar). This encourages entrepreneurship and problem-solving.
10. Involve Him in “Man’s Work”: Do not isolate your son from men involved in some business (father, grandfather, older brother, etc.). On the contrary, if possible, involve him in simple household tasks and work with technology. This provides practical skills and a sense of belonging.
11. Balance Praise and Criticism: Maintain a balance between praise and criticism. While encouragement is vital, constructive criticism helps him learn and grow.
12. Don’t Overreact to Minor Injuries: Don’t worry when you see scratches, abrasions, bruises, and other minor injuries on your son (grandson). Do not scold him for them, but calmly treat the wound, saying something like, “It will heal by school.” This teaches resilience and helps him understand that minor setbacks are part of life.
Raising a Son from an Early Age.
13. Teach Public Transport Etiquette (from 4-5 years old): From 4-5 years old, teach your son not to sit in public transport. Explain the role of a “big boy” in life and, of course, in public transport. Explain that he should always give up his seat to women and elderly passengers, including his mother. This instills respect and consideration for others.
14. Introduce Life’s Journey and Empathy: Even at preschool age, begin to introduce your son to the right path in life, and do not forget to explain possible problems, fostering sympathy and empathy. You can judge whether a boy will grow into a good father by how good a son he is.
15. Prioritize Physical Activity: Every day from infancy, engage in physical exercises with gradual complication, first indoors, then, if possible, outdoors. He should only be excused from physical education classes at school if there is an unambiguous health threat. Before school, it is advisable to learn to swim, ski, ride a bicycle, and play children’s volleyball or other ball games. It also doesn’t hurt to introduce him to computers, explaining their structure and the internet in an understandable way.
16. Cultivate Honesty: Fully promote honesty! In the case of an honest confession of a committed offense, the punishment should be reduced to a minimum or zero, accustoming your son to the idea that honesty is more advantageous than deceit. This builds integrity and trust.
17. Foster Efficiency and Time Management: From an early age, instill efficiency and a life based on a schedule. Violations of the regime should only occur for justified reasons. Teach him to calculate time with a small margin to leave the house on time. Explain that a real man arrives at the right place on time and is never late.
18. Keep Your Promises: Remember that all promises made to your son must be strictly kept. This builds his trust in you and teaches him the importance of keeping one’s word.
19. Avoid Demeaning Language: Do not mock, insult, or humiliate your son; never use epithets and imitations like “idiot,” “stupid,” “puppy,” “still a baby,” etc. This can leave a lasting negative impression on your son.
20. Instill Tolerance and Restraint: At the same time, instill tolerance for people, their behavior, views, especially mistakes and imperfections. Restrainedly, but firmly, stop mocking, arrogant attitudes towards people with different natures. Explain that restraint is a very masculine quality.
21. Involve Him in Family Decisions (from 6-7 years old): From 6-7 years old, include family matters in discussions, such as arranging furniture in the apartment, the order of major purchases, organizing summer vacations, etc. This teaches him about shared responsibility and decision-making.
22. Identify and Encourage Interests: As early as possible, identify applied and creative inclinations, but do not force your choice of occupation. Don’t be afraid to switch from one activity to another: many children don’t find their calling immediately. Support his exploration.
23. Explore Tools and Mechanics Together: Buy more various tools, simple mechanisms, parts, and materials for repairs and crafts. Learn about all these tools and devices with your son. This fosters practical skills and a love for learning.
24. Model Self-Management: Show an example of the ability to manage yourself: sometimes I do what I don’t want to, but I need to. Or, I don’t do what I want because it’s harmful. This teaches self-discipline and delayed gratification.
Raising a Son, Communication.
25. Avoid Trivializing Serious Discussions: In conversations, avoid “getting lost” in inappropriate trivialities or statements like “your son has a roof over his head” or “when I grew up,” and similar phrases. Such a conversation should only take place in exceptional cases, and it should begin in a serious tone without excessive emotions. Keep important discussions focused and respectful.
26. Encourage Positive Peer Relationships: Promote your son’s active communication with peers who have proven themselves in a positive light and have not compromised themselves in any way. Welcome his friends visiting your home. This fosters healthy social development.
27. Promote Outdoor Activities and Camps: Encourage hikes, trips to sports and health camps, staying home only with clear signs of illness. This promotes physical health and independence.
28. Applaud Honest Earnings: Welcome any opportunity to earn money honestly, as long as it does not harm school or future studies. This teaches the value of hard work and financial responsibility.
29. Teach Respect for Women (from an early age): Begin teaching care for women (mother, sister, etc.) from an early age. For example, hand them slippers, choose gifts for women together with your son, encourage him to make handmade gifts, etc. This instills chivalry and respect.
30. Foster Empathy and Selflessness: Do not create obstacles or dissuade your son from wanting to help someone or give something away, or pay attention to someone, even if it requires him to give up something or sacrifice his own interests. Lending a friendly shoulder to someone in difficult times is one of the main male qualities.
REMEMBER:
The readiness to show true masculine qualities is also characteristic of today’s boys. You just need to guide them towards noble actions. It is right to ask yourself: “Have I done everything possible to develop a masculine character in my son?”
Have a Great Day!
