Forgive Yourself. Forgiving ourselves is one of the most challenging psychological tasks we face. Many people find themselves trapped by feelings of guilt and shame, sometimes for years, after making a mistake or going through a difficult life event.
Research shows that memories that trigger negative feelings can remain vivid and “alive” in our minds, as if they happened yesterday.
These persistent feelings have a significant impact on our emotional health and overall quality of life. But why is it so difficult for us to forgive ourselves, and how can we stop the cycle of self-blame?
Forgive Yourself, why Guilt Can Linger for Decades.
In a recent study, researchers analyzed the stories of 80 participants, comparing those who had managed to forgive themselves with those who felt it was impossible.
The study found that even the people who had forgiven themselves still sometimes recalled the event and felt a twinge of embarrassment or guilt, especially in situations that reminded them of the past.
However, for them, these emotions were less intense and less frequent, and the memory no longer controlled their lives.
In contrast, those who couldn’t forgive themselves experienced vivid emotions and frequent, intrusive memories. Psychology professor , who participated in the study, points out that self-forgiveness is much more than simply “forgetting” or “moving on.”
For the first group of people, a key factor was consciously focusing on the future, accepting their own limitations in judgment and control in the past, and realigning with their personal values.
This shift in perspective was crucial to their healing process.
Why Some People Are Prone to Long-Term Self-Blame.
People with a high degree of self-criticism and perfectionism are especially prone to blaming themselves. They often believe they must be flawless, and any deviation from this standard is seen as a major failure.
This mindset amplifies feelings of guilt and makes the self-forgiveness process much harder. Interestingly, perfectionists are often people who lack self-confidence.
Additionally, when a person realizes they have acted incorrectly, they experience cognitive dissonance, an internal tension caused by a conflict between their actions and their beliefs.
To reduce this tension, people often begin to justify their actions, which makes it difficult to admit a mistake and, consequently, to forgive themselves.
Sometimes, people simply lack self-compassion. In this case, they are more inclined toward self-criticism and self-punishment.
The inability to show kindness and understanding toward oneself only deepens feelings of guilt and hinders the forgiveness process. But even people who aren’t naturally self-critical can struggle with self-forgiveness.
For example, in situations where a person feels they have hurt others or failed to meet someone’s expectations, a moral injury can occur.
This sense of responsibility and shame can be so powerful that self-forgiveness seems impossible for an extended period. This situation is worsened by rumination a constant replaying of past mistakes and negative experiences.
This cycle of negative thoughts prevents an objective evaluation of the situation and makes it much harder to forgive oneself.
Another significant factor is a lack of social support and a feeling of isolation. These can intensify negative emotions and complicate the forgiveness process.
When a person cannot share their experiences with others, they are left to face feelings of guilt and shame alone.
Reframing Your Mindset Can Help You Forgive Yourself.
Professor emphasizes that feelings of guilt and shame don’t always arise solely from making a mistake. Sometimes, they appear when a person feels an increased sense of responsibility or experiences a “moral injury,” even if the outcome of the events was out of their control.
When emotions arise from these memories, they are signaling to the brain what problem needs to be solved to overcome self-condemnation.
In a way, these emotions act like a pain signal, pointing to the location of a potential injury.
With feelings like shame, self-blame, and self-condemnation, our brain is trying to help us cope with moral injury by prompting us to pay attention to certain personal qualities and to live in alignment with our values.
These qualities might include our independence (e.g., the ability to make choices), our capacity to be a suitable member of a group or a partner in a relationship, and so on.
The research also notes that self-forgiveness isn’t a one-time decision but a process that requires time, reflection, and support from others.
For therapists, it’s important not just to tell a person “not to blame yourself” but to help them understand the source of their shame and guilt and guide them on the path from moral injury to moral restoration.
My conclusion.
In conclusion, forgiving yourself can be difficult, but it is achievable. It requires paying careful attention to your emotions, taking time to reflect on the past, and working on your core values.
Only by doing this can you gradually free yourself from emotions that control your life, allowing you to move forward with mindfulness and peace of mind.
Have a Great Day!
